Back-to-School Worries or Clinical Anxiety? How to Tell the Difference in Your Child
Do you remember that feeling as a primary school kid when the holidays reached their final evening? For me, it came four times a year, marked by the ticking clock of the 60 Minutes TV program on Sunday night—an unmistakable signal that bedtime was at 8pm and the holidays were officially over. The night before the return to school always felt like a strange emotional soup: a cup of uncertainty, a tablespoon of excitement, and just a teaspoon of dread.
Was I an anxious kid? Maybe. Or maybe the worries I had were just the same as every other kid’s. As an Educational and Developmental Psychologist, sometimes I think back on my childhood and ponder these things. The answer is not obvious to me. So it figures that there must be many parents who are equally uncertain about their child’s tendencies.
When Does Worry Become Anxiety?
As psychologists, we get this question all the time: How do you know if it’s just worry—or something more serious, like anxiety?
Here’s the truth: everyone worries, and everyone feels stress. It’s not just normal—it’s healthy. These feelings keep us alert and focused when we need to solve problems or face challenges. But sometimes, worry crosses an imaginary line and becomes something bigger.
The line we’re talking about is what psychologists call functional impairment. In simpler terms, it’s not about whether your child worries, but whether their worrying is getting in the way of their life.
Is it stopping them from doing things they’d normally enjoy?
Is it disrupting their ability to learn, sleep, or make friends?
Is it happening so often that it’s hard for them to bounce back?
If the answer to these questions is “yes,” your child might be dealing with more than typical back-to-school nerves.
What’s Normal and What’s Not?
Let’s talk about what’s normal back-to-school worry versus what might signal something more concerning:
Normal Worries:
Feeling a bit nervous about having a new teacher or being in a new classroom.
Asking “What if?” questions, like “What if I can’t find my friends at lunch?”
Taking a day or two to adjust back to the routine of school mornings.
Signs of Clinical Anxiety:
Refusing to go to school, even after reassurances and support.
Physical symptoms like nausea, stomachaches, or headaches that persist.
Catastrophic thinking, like “No one will ever like me” or “I’ll fail at everything.”
Trouble sleeping because their worries are running in loops all night.
Frequent meltdowns or clinginess about leaving home.
When I was about 10 years old, I swiped a can of Coke from the school fair during the holidays. I was sure someone had seen me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that an inevitable punishment was waiting for me. I hated getting in trouble, and the potential grilling I might face lived rent-free in my head for the entire school holidays. Looking back, I realize I paid a much higher price in mental energy than the $1.50 the Coke was worth.
Catastrophic thinking? ✅. Rumination? ✅.
What happened next shows the power of what psychologists refer to as exposure therapy. Instead of slinging a swag of belongings over my shoulder and running off like a vagabond Blinky Bill, I went to school on Monday. And guess what? There was no announcement over the P.A. about my petty crime, no call to the Principal’s office. By the end of the day, the catastrophically-inclined tenant in my brain had packed up and left.
In other words, when we face the thing we’re worried about, more often than not, the worry dissolves.
The Problem With Anxiety Disorders
For children with disordered anxiety, avoidance often trumps exposure. Instead of facing the worry and realizing it’s not as scary as it seems, kids may avoid situations entirely—skipping school, backing out of social interactions, or shutting down in response to new challenges.
This avoidance reinforces the anxiety, making it even harder for them to confront their fears the next time. That’s why understanding the difference between typical worry and clinical anxiety is so important. It’s not just about how your child feels in the moment—it’s about whether they can work through their fears and continue to engage with the world around them.
Developmental Stages and Anxiety: Ages 6-9 vs. 10-12
Understanding your child’s developmental stage can help you interpret their back-to-school worries and provide the right support. Anxiety looks different in a 6-year-old compared to a 12-year-old, and knowing what’s typical for each stage can help you navigate their concerns more effectively.
6-9 Years Old: The Concrete Thinkers
At this age, children are in the early stages of developing independence but still rely heavily on parents for reassurance and guidance. Their worries often stem from concrete, immediate fears, like:
“What if I can’t find my classroom?”
“What if I don’t know the answers in class?”
“What if my teacher gets mad at me?”
Kiddos this age tend to think in black-and-white terms and may struggle to see nuance. A worry about one bad interaction can snowball into a belief that everything will go wrong. While they may express their worries openly, they often lack the tools to process or problem-solve on their own.
How anxiety manifests:
Clinginess or refusing to let go at drop-off.
Repeated “what if” questions for reassurance.
Physical complaints like tummy aches or headaches.
What helps: At this stage, consistent routines and step-by-step problem-solving are crucial. In therapy, we will often encourage tolerable exposure to the situation by creating visuals such as ladders, and connect the feeling with a healthy coping strategy (eg. when I’m feeling worried I can…)
10-12 Years Old: The Big Picture Worriers
Children aged 10-12 are stepping into abstract thinking, which means their worries often shift to broader concerns. They start thinking about social dynamics, self-image, and future outcomes, such as:
“What if I don’t make any friends this year?”
“What if I embarrass myself in front of everyone?”
“What if I can’t keep up with the schoolwork and fall behind?”
At this age, they’re more likely to internalize their feelings. Instead of openly voicing their worries, they might withdraw or mask their fears with irritability. They’re also becoming more aware of how their peers see them, which can amplify social anxiety.
How anxiety manifests:
Avoidance, such as pretending to be sick to skip school.
Overanalyzing social interactions or replaying them in their head.
Increased self-criticism or perfectionism.
What helps: Tweens benefit from having trusted adults who listen without judgment and help them problem-solve. Encouraging them to reframe their thoughts and explore solutions (like through the 3-Column Technique explained below) can help them feel more in control.
A Simple Tool to Help Your Child: The 3-Column Technique
One of my favorite techniques to use in therapy is so simple that you can do it at home with just a scrap of paper and a pen. I call it the 3-Column Technique (but please feel free to pitch me more catchy names). It’s incredibly effective for helping kids (and adults!) untangle their worries.
Here’s how it works:
Draw a grid with three columns labeled:
Worst-Case Scenario
Best-Case Scenario
Most Likely Scenario
Sit with your child and talk about a specific worry they have. For example, “What if I don’t make any friends this year?”
Together, fill in the columns:
Worst-Case: “I’ll be all alone and miserable.”
Best-Case: “I’ll make lots of new friends right away.”
Most Likely: “I’ll talk to a few kids, and some will be nice.”
Ask them, “If the worst-case happened, what would you do? How would you cope?”
Then discuss what they could do to handle the most likely scenario.
This exercise works because it pulls from several evidence-based methods, including decatastrophizing, solution-focused thinking, and in-vivo exposure therapy (imagining and preparing for the situation). It helps your child break their worries down into manageable pieces—and feel more confident handling what’s to come.
Access the worksheet here:
So Was I Anxious as a Child or Just a Worrier?
Well, in hard times I’d be inclined to “fake a sickie” to get a day off at school, or beat myself up more than some other kids. But I never persistently resisted going to school, and usually negative thoughts didn’t stop me from doing the things I wanted to do. That’s where the line lies—whether the worry controls the child, or the child can still move through it. My verdict of 10-year old me: nudging the line of clinical symptoms at times, but held through the tricky times by lots of protective factors.
When It’s Time to Get Extra Help
If you’re wondering whether your child’s worry has crossed that line, don’t ignore your instincts.
Even with tools like the 3-Column Technique, some worries need professional support. If your child’s anxiety is affecting their school life, friendships, or family routines, it’s a good idea to talk to a psychologist.
At Strength Psychology in Geelong, we specialize in helping children aged 6-12 work through challenges like anxiety. Through evidence-based approaches, we help kids (and their parents!) build the skills they need to navigate tough situations with confidence.
If you’re asking yourself, “Is this normal, or should I be worried?”—you don’t have to figure it out alone. Our team is here to guide you. Sometimes the most satisfied parents I meet are the ones I find myself reassuring they’re doing a great job and their child is acting in developmentally typical ways.
👉 Contact Strength Psychology to book an appointment with a child psychologist in Geelong.